Sunday, October 31, 2010

My view and maybe yours too.....

A friend of mine’s Facebook status once said “"If more males would stand up and be men, then more females would sit down and be ladies". (I’m just saying) “I’m glad I can finally sit down!!” I was especially proud of what she said because it makes good sense to me and I was even more proud of my friend who is engaged to her that has given her that sense of security.

In my opinion her statement speaks volumes because as the years have passed gender roles between men and women have changed not because some women asked those roles to change, but because they didn’t have a choice due to circumstance. If you listen around to conversations in this country you may hear that chivalry is dead and buried somewhere. That’s funny because I never knew chivalry had died. If that’s even remotely true then I’m sure that men killed it, but trust me when I tell you women handed us the knife. Unlike Orenthal James Simpson the gloves fit and we can’t acquit! Honestly, I don’t think chivalry is dead, just seldom used in today’s society.

So you may be saying while you’re reading this, “Jon, tell us something we don’t know.” Ok, fine I will. My theory is that the traditional fathers in America are becoming missing in action. I totally get and I applaud women for becoming independent over the years, but I think some men have looked at that as an excuse not to be responsible men and not to lead the household’s of America anymore, that is if there even in the damn household to begin with. I applaud the men out there that pay child support and break their necks to spend time with their children if there no longer with the mother of those children, but on the other hand I see boys that are not developing into men because they don’t have a man around to show them how exactly how to be a man in the first place. As a result we have a lot of “grown ass boys” walking around today. Some men would rather mooch off of a woman than go out and get his own stuff. There doing exactly what they did at their mother’s house except now their girlfriend is full-filling that motherly role. It’s not just the an independence issue, but it’s an issue with the way women are treated nowadays. As a result of fathers not being in the household we have these “grown ass boys” just approaching women any kind of way. They say anything that comes to mind or say something that they heard on TV or in music. The sad part is the women that are falling for these lame approaches which brings me to how the lack of having a father around is hurting women as well.

I truly believe that a man sets the bar for the kind of man his daughter will date. I can sit back and examine sometime and it’s kind of obvious nowadays. I can usually tell by talking to a woman for 5 minutes if they had a father in their lives. I can tell what kind of father they had and exactly how important he was in that woman’s life. I feel like a woman doesn’t know what a man really is truly supposed to be unless they grew up seeing one. It could be their father, a step-father grandfather or even an uncle, but some man needs to set the standard. The same applies to men and it’s terribly important for both sexes to see such an example.

From my experience the woman that seems to go for the worst guys are the ones that didn’t have a positive example of a man around. They tend to lean more towards the thugs or guys simply acting hard instead of the decent men. Not all, but some…..
I myself come from a single parent home and I’ll be the first to say that growing up without a father was not easy, but I had a very strong and grounded mother that made it look easy. I didn’t realize the impact her raising me really had on me until she passed almost 3 years ago. My mother was raised in a two parent home though which in turn gave me a lot of traditional values or old school values if you will. Also I was lucky enough to see what a true man was through family and men I may have looked up to as I was growing up. The trouble now is the children of today’s parents were raised by single parents themselves which means in some cases men and woman may not be equipped to give their child especially their sons, the upbringing they really need in order to understand what being a man is!

I think in some cases this situations like these has made some young men nowadays lazy! If you think about how many men you know that are out here having baby’s at random, not focused on trying to be a productive citizen, and have the audacity to call themselves grown despite these things, then we tend to understand the effects of what is now becoming a cycle. Then you have a lot of guys that want to blame them not trying to succeed on the whole “Ms. Independent” movement! These woman are out here getting their education, getting good jobs, making more money than men on more occasions now and they don’t have the financial need that women had from men say…..30 years ago. It’s not their fault! There are a lot of men strangely feeling unwanted because they don’t understand where they can fit into a woman’s life if she already has what she needs financially. Maybe these same guys need to understand where else they fit in that woman’s life. She will make room if she wants you there.

This in turn has caused a lot of women to support men just like their mother’s did with those men accept the woman taking care of you isn’t there mother this time is your girlfriend and they f**king them too! They living under that woman’s roof, driving that woman’s car, and eating that woman’s food and at the end of the day most of those woman are calling the shots because frankly the men they are with aren’t equipped to!

It’s a lot of angry grown men out in the world because they didn’t have their father in their lives and as a result a lot of men don’t understand what a man’s responsibilities are not only towards a woman, but in general just about being a man! When that father is absent or seldom there the examples of what we as men should be can be few and far in between. Times are different now. I grew up on the “Cosby Show” The Jefferson’s” and you can even count “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” All three of these shows showed married couples in good and bad situations! It made me say…..Wow! I can to be married and have kids too and even though what I’m seeing is a TV show, I felt it was possible and I still do while others may look at as a fairy tale.

If you turn on your television today, what do you see? Reality show this, reality show that, Flavor of Love this, For the Love of Ray J. that, the Bachelor this, and The Bachelorette that! TV nowadays make it appear as if being single, partying and drinking your life away is the s**t, while they make commitment, marriage and having children while being married appear like it’s a f***ing curse or some sort of impossibility.

As men and women we have more opportunities and resources to not only to be successful as people, but also to have successful relationships and marriages, but we don’t use them enough! Maybe we feel like we have acquired so much stuff or accomplished so many things that we can just get divorced any time we feel like it! We have women thinking because they were able to get their education, get a career, and acquire some things that they are more than capable to raise a child without a man! I’m not saying raising a child as a single parent is impossible because it’s been done, but if you ask a single parent how they raise that child or in some cases children they will tell you it sure the hell isn’t easy!! At the same time you find men walking away from marriage because maybe, just maybe they married that woman based on the wrong things or even worst they leave a good woman because they think they can do better.

I don’t think we as adults don’t realize how much of an effect our upbringing has on us right away. It’s a lot of strong and independent women in the world now because that’s the kind of woman they were raised by. In some cases this too has caused a shift and made it very difficult for women to listen to men. So with this happening a lot the good men in the world are constantly shaking their heads because their doing the right things, but these women are not only unwilling to listen and unresponsive, but also at times emotionally unavailable to certain situations because they didn’t have their fathers and have been taught to by their mothers how to get along just fine without a man.

All in all I this is just my view, but it may make sense to you. Over the years some us have lost those core values such as commitment, marriage, family, God or whatever else you could name. I pray for the day we get those values back, because we need them! We need it for the good of our future. I understand that there will be men and women that are homosexual, but in all fairness I hope it’s a choice they made based on their own personal happiness and preference and not because a man or woman treated them badly in a relationship or out of frustration from the opposite sex. Have you noticed how many women are bisexual for this very reason?
I understand that everyone that has had or will be having children in the future will be not be married, but it’s important that the strides are made to have both parents active in their child’s life for there well being and development in order to become productive adults.

I feel as men that we can do better, me included even though I’m not a father. We need to go out and get “ours” instead of taking advantage of what these women are accomplishing in some cases. We need to concentrate more on love and love making instead of kicking it and just f***ing! We need to focus on finding a wife and not gaining a “baby momma.” This means we have to become more responsible, have more restraint and protect ourselves not only for us, but for the women we lay with!
Maybe I’m preaching to the choir or maybe somewhere along the way someone reading this may say, “Damn, he has a point!” Regardless I feel like the reason it’s so hard to date, be in a relationship or to be married are for these very reasons I’ve mentioned. I say to myself “There’s got to be a better way!” Lord knows things can’t be solved over night, but I believe they can be solved.

I say and I hear people say how hard it is when it comes to love and relationships. Who do you trust? Who’s telling the truth? Is this person or that person really different from the other? Who knows! At this point it’s become somewhat of a gamble, but a gamble that most people still wager on because they feel a chance at love is worth it. Most would say “Good luck!” I would say “Lord lead us and help us all…..”

God Bless,

“13 Ways” (The Movement)

This blog is copywrited under The Movement Media Inc. 2010

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Are you Ready for Love?

Are You Ready for Love?

Some of my readers may think of me as the resident relationship expert, but I’ll be the first to correct anyone who thinks that! I write about relationships sometimes, but I write about things I’ve observed and things I’ve experienced in my own relationships and most importantly what I’ve learned from them.

I was joking with someone close to me this morning at breakfast and said, “Damn, I’m tired of learning things the hard way! Her reply was, “Sometime that’s what it takes!” I just nodded my head and said “Yeah, sometimes…..” About a week ago I had to learn a lesson the hard way! I learned that I wasn’t ready for a relationship after 5 months of dating a good woman. I learned that my heart just wasn’t in the relationship! It was somewhere else. As the song by Atlantic Starr goes, “If your heart isn’t in it, why can’t you tell me so?” I was beginning to shut down and become lax in the relationship and the feeling wouldn’t pass, so I broke things off because I knew in my heart I was unable to give that person what they truly deserved. I would rather be alone than hurt someone that I know has a good heart! I would rather give her the chance of finding someone better suited for her, because I begin to discover that I wasn’t the one for her.

I’ve told myself that I just need some time to be alone, that I need to really think about what I need, what I’m able to give and most importantly, what I wanted. I’ll be the first to say that are past relationship experiences should be used as learning tools instead of a crutch or as an excuse to not try being in a relationship again. We should be better people after a relationship fails. It’s very surprising how much you learn about yourself being around another person for a good period of time!

In my short time on this Earth I’ve managed to have been in a relationship where I saw every single phase of a relationship and then some with the exception of not getting married and having children, even though at one point that was my intention. I’ve seen how relationships are built! I’ve seen how relationships grow! I’ve sacrificed and had someone sacrifice for me! I’ve argued about everything under the sun with a woman whether or not it was considered to be important or not! At 31 I know what love is and what it’s supposed to be, how it’s supposed to feel and the work that goes into it! I’ve seen how other people’s family becomes your family too and sharing holiday’s together and most of all I know what chemistry is!!! It goes beyond just having a few things in common! It goes so much deeper than that! It’s a combination of love, respect, mutual interest, and shared experience over a long period of time that evolves with time!

I know what love is and I know how it feels and I haven’t felt it in a while!! I thought that my heart forgot how to love. Part of my heart died when my mother died two years ago. I can’t regain a mother’s love, but I still remember what it was like to be in love with a woman that loves me and how the hell things are supposed to go!

I hear people talk about they want a relationship or how they deserve someone good or that they have so much love to give, but relationships take work!! It takes more than love to keep a relationship going! You have to come as close as you possibly can to loving someone unconditionally!!! Its one thing to love your child unconditionally, but to love your girl, or your man in that way takes work, not to mention a whole different level of trust!!

Believe it or not dating is easy!!! Being with someone for 6 months to a year is easy!!! I’ll tell you a secret! 6 months really isn’t any time!! Do you really honestly think you’re going to know someone after 6 months!! I know people that have been married for a number of years and they still are discovering new things about their spouse regardless if it’s good or bad!!

Were such a “Want when we want it” generation!! I can name at least 3 couples that got married, had kids and got divorced inside of 3 years!!! Everything and anything worth having takes time, effort and hard work and relationships aren’t any different!!

I see single people who see what other people go through in relationships and say “Damn, I’m glad I’m single!!” Relationships are not easy!! A lot of people are just afraid of the commitment, while others are just afraid of being vulnerable to another person or being held accountable to another person. We have to do things when were ready, especially when it comes to committing to someone!

I’ll be the first to say that a man or woman should never play with someone’s heart!! I know men and woman that have grown cold because someone they loved and thought loved them did them wrong! Everybody is not able to recover from heartbreak and a lot of times those people are never the same after that!

Good girl gone bad and that man that was a puppy becomes a full-fledged dog because their afraid of being vulnerable to anyone and most importantly they feel like they can’t trust anyone anymore! Or worst than that they become bitter! We have to take are time people! No matter if you’ve had your heart broken or never experienced heartbreak it’s important that we pace ourselves!

So some of you may say “Jon, what are you doing to move forward?” Well for me that journey started yesterday about an hour away from home. I’ve taken a small step back in order to make a big step forward!

Moral of the story today is not to be afraid of love, but prepare to love! And like I always say, “Love yourself, before you love someone else!!”

That’s all I got for you all today….

God Bless,

“13 Ways” (The Movement)

This blog is copyrighted by The Movement Media Inc. 2010